Somber Saturday...

Oy! It's been a while since I've updated. I can honestly say that while my mind has been racing for months, I've not wanted to say much to anyone really.

Expectations are a funny thing. People are people. They make mistakes. Quit expecting something different. Friends. Family. Co-workers. Whoever. Just be thankful when things go well with others and let it go when they don't. Relationships are fluid.

January: Granny was diagnosed with lung cancer. Granny started her first round of chemotherapy.

My aunt Kate died. Last I heard, her death was suspicious and there are a lot of questions surrounding her passing. As in-was my aunt murdered? Why so many secrets? I drove down to Florida with my mother-and given our history-it went alright. Mom said that she has been seeing a therapist and I actually believe her this time. Not just because she said it, but she took responsibility for what happened and why I ended up in foster care. After 10 years, she apoligized for putting alcohol and men before me.

I have been fine with this superficial relationship that my mother and I have had since I was a teenager. I call her most times, every couple of days to check in. She tells me about her farm, chickens, garden, whatever she is doing, and then our conversation is over. She doesn't ask questions like she is interested in my life, hobbies, feelings, etc and that's fine with me. Not only are relationships fluid, but they are not all the same. Different comfort levels. Different sets of boundaries. So, I have been fine with my mother seeming to not really care about the stuff that matters. And I've done my best to manage the emotions and feelings stemming from those years because you cannot expect resolution when a person is still an addict. But, now my mother is recovering, is in therapy, and...I really don't know how to deal with that I suppose.


February: One year passing since my father's death. I took this day off work and also had our ultrasound scheduled for that day. I figured the best way to remember the passing of someone close was to celebrate the life of his grandchild. I feel stupid that it's been a year and it still hurts. I ache to hear his voice sometimes. Just to hear him laugh again. I spent 18 years without it and just a few with it and...I'm left with this mess of feelings that are still all jumbled.

Also in February, my Granny underwent surgery to place a port in her chest to faciliate chemo easier. It wasn't healing up right and she went to the ER. Couple of weeks later, she woke up very disoriented and went to the ER. Long story short, she had swelling on her brain, her lungs ended up collapsing multple times (and once from being punctured from a surgical procedure) and the chemo was stoped indefinately. Granny is now off a ventilator, is home with hospice, and was given less than a month to live.

How do I let go of the anger and bitterness that I have held onto for so many years? How can I forgive my mother like Christ has already forgiven her? How can I think about my dad without feeling deep sadness about missing 18 years? Why do I try to continue to do this on my own? No wonder it's hard, right?

South Carolina Blizzard of 2010!

All the hub-bub about the snow coming and it all melted within two hours! Nothing compared to our North Dakota snows, but everyone in Charleston loved it! It started raining Friday eveing, turning into snow overnight and this is what we had a 9am!

Alyssa and Mommy

Alyssa and Daddy

Introducing...

Introducing

Baby BOY Vann!!

We are thrilled to be having a BOY this time around! We are still due June 30! How exciting!

December 2009

December started off in the 70s and today it was in the 30s on my way to work. BRR! It's not Northa Dakota cold, but it sure is cold!

Alyssa is now 13 months old. She is walking along furniture, but not on her own yet. She is dancing (bouncing up and down) when she hears fun songs and trying to play patty-cake. She wakes up with smiles and spends all day playing. She loves crawling in the bathtub and trying to eat the bubbles. She got a Little Tykes Cozy Coupe for Christmas and loves riding around in it!

Bobby is working nights at Olive Garden. He is still looking for a regular day job as well-hopefully one that will help pay for seminary :) I am enjoying my job working with social services. I get new cases faster than I can close them so I stay busy-however, I now have an iPod nano to keep me company :)

I've been feeling a little better this month. I still have my moments of nausea, but I am out of the 1st trimester and starting to show a little faster than last time. Our due date is June 30. My next appointment is tomorrow and we'll be able to hear the heartbeat for the first time!

We went to see the James Island County Lights and Alyssa was standing up on my leg, bouncing up and down and pointing at all the lights as we drove by. She also lost a shoe, which I am assuming she threw out the window in all her excitement. In the mornings, we only turn the Christmas tree on and cuddle with her while she points at the lights and drinks her milk. She has become proficient at ripping open presents and still enjoys playing with the paper more than the gift itself sometimes :) She continues to bring us laughter and joy every day! What a wonderful gift!

Now, we need to get a new ornament for next year with 4 snowmen on it :)

November 13, 2009

Happy First Birthday Alyssa!!
You have brought us so much joy!!

We love you very much!!

[Mommy & Daddy]

October 2009

October has really flown by!

Alyssa is now 23 pounds and almost a year old! She is crawling everywhere and licking everything. Yes-LICKING!

She will lick something (her crib, my pants, Bobby's hair, the dishwasher, her play pen) and then laugh hystericlaly about it. It's really funny and...wierd. She has 6 teeth now and waves bye-bye to us. She loves to cuddle in the mornings (I usually steal the cuddles before work!) and loves to turn the pages in her book by herself. She is learning to sit up in her crib and there are mornings when we go in her room and she's sitting up and talking to the wall. Alyssa also went to her first fair and LOVED looking at all the lights! We also heard Steven Curtis CHapman perform "I Will Be Here" which was the song we danced to at our weddng!

Bobby is still looking for employment. He has been so focused on applying for jobs an dmaking sure he doens't waste any time while at the house with Alyssa. He's been looking and applying for jobs daily since July...so I sent him on break to Cincinnati. He went with a friend who is an enrollment counselor for CSU. It's a much needed break for him and they'll be attending the National Youth Workers Convention, which he is incredibly pumped about. There are going to be some speakers there talking about Family Based Ministry-and that's where his passion is.

I spent 2.5 weeks in Columbia for work. The good things about it is that Bobby and Alyssa came up to see me for two days while I was there! That helped ALOT! I am settled back into my office now after being in training. I feel more prepared for my job and ready to get out there and do it. I did get accepted into the M. Ed program at Liberty for School Guidance Counseling. We're still not sure when/if I will start the program. For now, I am enjoying the place I am in.

Some news, my grandmother had an X-Ray and CT scan done last week. They located a mass in her lungs and will do a biopsy this week. This is my father's mother. She is 80 years old, was adopted, was on the island when Pearl Harbor was bombed, smoked for 60 years, raised 7 children by herself when her husband left her for his mistress, and watched 3 die of cancer. She is an incredible woman. We're making plans to see her the 2nd weekend in November.

Memory Book for my Mom

For those that don't know my Mom is disabled.

She fell and hurt her back November 2004 at her work and has had difficulty standing and walking for long periods of time. Ever since her injury, she has seen over 15 doctors and has been on over 40 different types of mediciation. She is dependant on medication just to function daily.

With that all being said, she is beginning to show signs of early dementia (which I feel is due to her extended use of certain medications, but I digress). I've noticed that she is having some issues with her memory for the most part.

My project now is to make a memory book for her. She has boxes of pictures and 35mm negatives that I need to go through. It will be hard I think because my mom has never shown me any picures of her childhood, her family, or talked to me about the good parts of her childhood. My sister showed me ap icture of my grandmother (who passed before I was born) about 3 years ago. My mom said she has pictures of the reservations they lived on (she is Cherokee Indian) and I have never seen these things before. It will be sort of theraputic for me I think as well because maybe for once I might actually get to know my mom for real.

I want Alyssa to know who I am, to know what I value, to see people that are important and played a part in my life, etc. I want my daughter to know my heart and see my passion for the Lord, for our family, and for others.

My goal is to complete this by Christmas, but I think I will need ALOT more time to get it the way I want it. But, time is the enemy here...the longer it takes, the more she forgets. To think that one day, she'll see me and think of me as someone just passing by makes me very sad. Very sad.

I supose one good thing about her losing her memory is that she finally forgets the horror and pain that accompanied various points in her life. But within those awful moments, there were ones of joy that she held onto to help her survive.