Oy! It's been a while since I've updated. I can honestly say that while my mind has been racing for months, I've not wanted to say much to anyone really.
Expectations are a funny thing. People are people. They make mistakes. Quit expecting something different. Friends. Family. Co-workers. Whoever. Just be thankful when things go well with others and let it go when they don't. Relationships are fluid.
January: Granny was diagnosed with lung cancer. Granny started her first round of chemotherapy.
My aunt Kate died. Last I heard, her death was suspicious and there are a lot of questions surrounding her passing. As in-was my aunt murdered? Why so many secrets? I drove down to Florida with my mother-and given our history-it went alright. Mom said that she has been seeing a therapist and I actually believe her this time. Not just because she said it, but she took responsibility for what happened and why I ended up in foster care. After 10 years, she apoligized for putting alcohol and men before me.
I have been fine with this superficial relationship that my mother and I have had since I was a teenager. I call her most times, every couple of days to check in. She tells me about her farm, chickens, garden, whatever she is doing, and then our conversation is over. She doesn't ask questions like she is interested in my life, hobbies, feelings, etc and that's fine with me. Not only are relationships fluid, but they are not all the same. Different comfort levels. Different sets of boundaries. So, I have been fine with my mother seeming to not really care about the stuff that matters. And I've done my best to manage the emotions and feelings stemming from those years because you cannot expect resolution when a person is still an addict. But, now my mother is recovering, is in therapy, and...I really don't know how to deal with that I suppose.
February: One year passing since my father's death. I took this day off work and also had our ultrasound scheduled for that day. I figured the best way to remember the passing of someone close was to celebrate the life of his grandchild. I feel stupid that it's been a year and it still hurts. I ache to hear his voice sometimes. Just to hear him laugh again. I spent 18 years without it and just a few with it and...I'm left with this mess of feelings that are still all jumbled.
Also in February, my Granny underwent surgery to place a port in her chest to faciliate chemo easier. It wasn't healing up right and she went to the ER. Couple of weeks later, she woke up very disoriented and went to the ER. Long story short, she had swelling on her brain, her lungs ended up collapsing multple times (and once from being punctured from a surgical procedure) and the chemo was stoped indefinately. Granny is now off a ventilator, is home with hospice, and was given less than a month to live.
How do I let go of the anger and bitterness that I have held onto for so many years? How can I forgive my mother like Christ has
already forgiven her? How can I think about my dad without feeling deep sadness about missing 18 years? Why do I try to continue to do this on my own? No wonder it's hard, right?
Now, we need to get a new ornament for next year with 4 snowmen on it :)